World According To Manchesterpaul

Suicide Note ( not yet sent )

It's Time To See Who's Who


Saturday December 16 2017~~~If this is not today's date, refresh page for updated version.


page 1


WORDS END IN DISASTER
ON THE ROCKS IN PIECES

EVERYONE I TURN TO
TURNS ON ME




page 2


You showed me that silence can speak louder than words
You showed me the silence that haunts this troubled world




Suicide ( to do or not to do )
Little boy lost to big man lost
Living alone, dying alone




Betrayal & rejection ( in life and love )

You can never look me in the eye
Because you lie, your whole life is a lie
So do i just sigh ?
Or do i go and die ?




A day without substance
An atmosphere that rots with time




Feel it closing in, day in, day out
It's creeping up slowly, that last fatal hour




I will lose myself tomorrow
In crimson pain my heart explodes
Unless someone will listen
At least for a short while




Curtains drawn on a sunny day
No air to breathe inside these walls
Will my time pass so slowly on the day that i fear ?
All the people around me seem so glad to be here




Don't you know what it means when you hear the pain in a song ?
I know what it means when you walk away as i sing my song




page 3


Standing waiting in a supermarket queue
Pretty neighbour up ahead buying food for two
If only someone would be so attentive to me
To cook me a dinner or a tea
Tears well up as i fall apart
Broken inside, i fall apart
I feel foolish at my anguish
But i realise it's an unattainable wish
So with my economy tin of slush
And a frozen packet of chemical mush
I'll be screaming with bowel cancer in a few years time
Alone of course, just what was my crime ?




A couple lock themselves away
For a day and a night, and a night and a day
Why couldn't it have been me ?

To be exhausted in such a way
To be so sated, how i pray and pray
Why couldn't it have been me ?

She'll lay it right down
Why couldn't it have been me?

My heart sinks, i feel physical pain
No sleep as i restlessly turn
My mind afire, a seething cauldron of despair
No peace as my rage burns
Shackled for now, simmering, festering, bubbling
Boiling....one day it will explode

Just before the end
A brief descent into madness
Shouting, roaring, blaspheming
Guttural sobbing again and again

Then - no explosion
I will just implode
Turn my hand against myself
No others involved, no notes
No drama, no gestures
No goodbyes




page 4


Try to cry out in the heat of the moment
Possessed by a fury that burns from inside
Cry like a child, though these years make me older




I feel the weighted silence
As one by one the people slip away into the night
I stand and hear my voice cry out
Which leaves me softly crying, slowly dying




Catch me if i fall, i'm losing hold
I just can't carry on this way
Please say the right words
Will no one save me ?

No one lifts their hands, no one lifts their eyes
I stand lost forever in a happy crowd
I went away alone with nothing left
Waiting for the death blow




Who was that on the window ledge ?, did he jump or was he pushed ?
He left a note which no one read, in desperate hand, the note just said
Didn't turn my back on society, society turned it's back on me
Never tried once to drop out, i just couldn't get in from the very start
He never learnt to play the game the way that you're supposed to play
Never learnt the things to say, or lock true emotion safe away

All the world can not be wrong, it must be me i don't belong ???.




I always smile
But in my eyes does the sorrow show ?
Does anyone see the loneliness inside me ?




A life lived without others
Longing to touch and be touched




SEE ME, HEAR ME, TOUCH ME, HEAL ME




page 5


I'm dying, i'm dying, so please
I want to, i need to be under your skin

If you leave me as i am, you bury me




Abandoned, solitary, alone
No kisses, no caresses, no conversation
Left to struggle with self-salvation by those absorbed in themselves
A disinterest that is total, this callous disregard
Pierces through my heart, eats away my soul




Surrendered to self-preservation by others who care for themselves
A blindness that touches perfection but hurts more than anything else




I live with desertion among millions of people




As i climb into an empty bed, oh well, enough said
See the sea wants to take me, the knife wants to slit me
I know it's over it never really began
Love is natural and real but not for me
Not tonight, not for me
Tonight is like any other night
That's why i sleep alone tonight

I can feel the soil falling over my head




I wake each morning, tired, cold, lonely
So tired, so cold, so lonely




Always going somewhere
Never going anywhere
Always on the outside




You come home alone, close the door and want to cry
You come home alone again, close the door and want to die




page 6


People who change for no reason at all
It's happening all of the time




Feeling so good picturing kissing you
Glad you're staying in tonight, i'll make my move tomorrow

Unaware you're with another now
For if i knew, my heart would surely slow and die




Your name
Like ice into my heart




I always looked to you
I put my trust in you




Sharp and open, left me alone
Sleeping less every night
As the days become heavier and weighted




This is the crisis i knew had to come
Destroying the balance i'd kept
Doubting, unsettling and turning around
Wondering what will come next

Can i go on with this train of events ?
Disturbing and purging my mind
I know that i'll lose every time




I sit and listen dreamlessly
The promise of salvation makes me stay

Whisper your name in an empty room
Then i think of your face and feel my heart pushed in




page 7


I wonder where you are tonight
As the night goes by so very slow
I hope that it won't end all alone

You don't know how long i've wanted to touch your lips and hold you tight
You don't know how long i've waited and i was going to tell you tonight
But the secret is still my own and my love for you is still unknown

How do i get you alone ?




Someone take these dreams away
That point me to another day
Dead souls keep on calling me
They keep calling me




I caught a falling star
It ripped my hands to pieces




A beautiful broken angel fell my way
To mend her wings i laboured every day
All my time spent nurturing, building her confidence
'Till her eyes began to sparkle, her soul began to dance

As soon as she was able to fly away
She turned towards me in all her beauty
Bared her teeth, drew her claws
Ripped out my heart




You give yourself to him
You give your all to him
In a total betrayal of me
And a sadder betrayal of you




Are you the girl can't look me in the eye ?
Are you the girl who lies and lies and lies ?
How many times do i excuse and forgive
The damage inflicted by the way that you live ?
Someday you will ache like i ache
You fake it so much, you are beyond fake




page 8


When i was a child i caught a fleeting glimpse
Out of the corner of my eye
I tried to look but it was gone
I cannot put my finger on it now
The child is grown, the dream is gone




I didn't mean to let them take away my soul
Am i too old ?, is it too late ?




I have lived the life of a drifter waiting for the day
When i take your hand and maybe you would say
Come lay with me and love me
And i would surely stay

But i feel i'm growing older
And the thoughts that i have had
Echo in the distance
Like the sound of a windmill going round

In days of old when nights were cold
I wandered without you
Those days i thought my eyes had seen you standing near
Though blindness is confusing it shows that you are not here




The black cloud gathers and smothers my brain
As i cry another tear in this struggle of pain
Another hurdle to clear, is it all the same ?
Is the conquest of pain my only aim ?




A cloud hangs over me marks my every move
Put into perspective, tried so hard to find
Just for one moment thought i'd found my way
Destiny unfolded, i watched it slip away

I never realised the lengths i'd have to go
All the darkest corners of a sense i didn't know
Just for one moment i heard somebody call
Looked beyond the daybreak, there's nothing there at all




page 9


Distant noises, other voices
Humming in my broken head
Distant noises, far off voices
Carries the sound, so many dead




Portrayal of the trauma and degeneration
The sorrows we suffer and never are free
Weary inside, our hearts lost forever




This pain does not belong to me
They've taken everything away




Striving, struggling, doing the best with limited means
Stunned and sickened at the skitting and spurning
The shock deep and hurting




Visions of the things to be, the pains that are witheld for me
The game of life is hard to play, gonna lose it anyway
The losing card i'll someday lay

The sword of time will pierce our skin, it doesn't hurt when it begins
But as it works it's way on in, the pain grows stronger
Watch it win




This is the start of it all, where will it end ?
I guess you were right when we talked in the heat
There's no room for the weak

This is the car at the end of the road
There's nothing disturbed, all the windows are closed




I've tried, please believe me
I'm doing the best i can
I'm ashamed of the things i've been put through
I'm ashamed of the person i am

Isolation




page 10


I am human and i need to be loved
Just like everybody else does




I didn't wake up this morning, 'cos i didn't go to bed
I was watching the whites of my eyes turn red
The calendar on the wall is ticking off the days
I pull back the curtains and the sun burns into my eyes

The side of me that no one sees
Is when i'm alone with no memories




No one knows what it's like
To be the sad man behind these eyes
To feel the feelings like i do
No one bites back as hard the anger
None of my pain can shine through




Please keep your distance, there's blood on your fingers
I campaigned for nothing, i worked hard for this
I tried to get to you, you treat me like this

I guess dreams always end
They don't rise up
Just descend
But i don't care anymore
I've lost the will to want more

So all god's angels beware and all you judges beware
For all the people no longer here an angry voice will cry
I've given everything and more, the strain's too much
Can't take much more, so beware !, i'm not afraid anymore




Send me to sleep and then leave me alone
Don't try to wake me in the morning because i will be gone
There is another world, there is a better world
There must be, well, there must be
I don't want to wake up on my own anymore




page 11


No words could explain, no actions determine
Accept like a curse, an unlucky deal




My life's a disease
My hell is here and now




It's a strange day in such a lonely way
Some people look down on me, i hope they like what they see




A day in the death of....

Sun is shining today, please god no
On such a day my life will end
Don't begrudge others joy, but nowhere to go
No one to speak to, no friend

Riding buses through the city all day
Trying to feel part of the world on my own doomsday
I wish i could be part of it
Instead of apart from it

Soon my life will be no more
I yearn to live life
But no company, i am hidden within the crowd
No one to share a smile

On this sunny day
This desperate day
This last day on earth
I make my way to die




This is the end my friend
Of elaborate plans, the end
Of everything that stands, the end
No safety or surprise, the end

Desperately in need of some strangers hand in a desperate land
I'll never look into your eyes again




page 12


I see life getting harder
I can't see it getting better
So sad is this sensation




She stares alone across the water
The loneliness grows and slowly fills her frozen body
Sliding downwards, one by one her senses die
The water drowns her at it's ease

I wish it was not true, i wish it could be a story
These words leave me lifeless, breathing like a drowning man




Unnoticed upon high, shivering, wavering
Preparing to hurtle to the ground, rolling tears make no sound
Standing lifeless, lifeless to be
This is no momentary lapse of reason, it's a culmination
No one sees him die, no one bothers to ask why




I can't fit in, why ?
Because, for this world i've too much honesty




I've walked you through the heartbreak
Shown you all the out-takes
Hollow now, i'm burned out




At the moment of surrender
I folded down to my knees
I did not notice the passers-by
And they did not notice me




Leave me to die
You won't remember my voice
You won't remember my name




I just can't live with the myths and the lies
Two ways to choose on a razor's edge
Had thoughts for one, designs for both
Confusion, illusion, worn like a mask of self-hate
Something must break now, this life isn't mine




I whisper your name in an empty room
Then hear my voice cry out
Which leaves me softly crying, slowly dying
I walk away alone in silence
Waiting for the death blow




page 13


I close my eyes, move slowly through drowning waves
The walls crash down, the sky and the impossible explode
Just for one moment i remember a song
Then everything is gone forever




Goodbye, it's over
Walk on by
Waiting for the worms to come
In perfect isolation
Here behind my wall




Two pale figures ache in silence
Side by side in age and sadness
Memories of their child's dreams lie lifeless
Hand in hand with fear and shadows
Crying at the funeral party




Procession moves on
The shouting is over
Praise to the glory of loved ones now gone




Too late now, not here to hear
Actions you should have taken, words you should have said
Feelings you should have had but never felt
The ice in your heart hell couldn't hope to melt

No easing your conscience, no repentance now
Gone, dead, dead and gone




page 14
WHAT
COULD
AND
SHOULD
HAVE
BEEN
AND
NOW
PRESUMABLY
NEVER
WILL
( too ******* right i hear you say )




page 15


No one could see me like you do
No one can see you like i do




I'll set you free tonight, pour over me




More than four hours since we started, can't take another night like this
You'd think by now we would have discarded courting games and dirty tricks
Are you scared being made a fool of ?, your winding ways suggest the truth
Daren't you risk being made a fool of ?, clinging to the rituals
And all these shallow things you ask me, by chance extracted out of lists ?

We want the pleasure of our bodies
Why must we go through all of this ?

Your closet questions are the oddest, like some trainee analyst
I've thought of better things to chew on while you make believe our bodies don't exist
Maybe you see us as a contest ?, the winner tells the biggest lies
I see you see us as a contest and guess who's referee and prize ?

Bothered by some tribal view
Dare you risk being made a fool of now your numb with dope or booze ?
So sad, let's dance the best we can

It's gone five hours since we started, won't last another night like this
I'd hoped we'd have disregarded protocol and artifice
Still afraid being made a fool of, scared to death by our mystique
We want the pleasure of our bodies
Why must we crawl through all of this ?




Hey you, out there in the cold
Getting lonely, getting old, can you feel me ?
Hey you, with itchy feet and fading smiles, can you feel me ?
Don't help them to bury the light, don't give in without a fight
Hey you, out there on your own
Sitting by the phone, would you touch me ?
Hey you, with your ear against the wall
Waiting for someone to call, would you touch me ?
Hey you, would you help me to carry the storm ?
Open your heart, i'm coming to you




page 16


What you give is what you get
Knowing someone in this world feels as desperate as me
But still loving with a passion
Will be a start

If we love only for a night
It can be enough
If we communicate for a night
It can be a start

If i never ever see you again
I've still known you in my life
We'd have given what we had
We'd have made a start




Summer's coming time to dream the day away
She's so sunny is the girl you met today
Will she make it ?, can she take it ?
Like to try love ?, such a shy love

Did she give love ?, could she feel love ?
Did she find love ?, was it real love ?
When she made love she tried to find love
When she gives love she will find love




Her arms outstretched, she glows and grows
Her legs around me




You give your love tenderly
Every way that you move is closer to me




It's three 'o' clock in the morning as the rain begins to fall
I know what i'm needing and i don't have it all
I'm needing someone like you that i can make love to
Baby, i need you tonight




I'm ready for love
I'm ready for your love




page 17


I think that any love is good love
And now i'm feeling better
Because i found out for sure




I want to know what love is
I want you to show me




I want your heart at the end of this chase
I want to put that smile on your face
It seems like it's the only cause
That it's worth me fighting for
The sense of love is strong and near
The call of love is loud and clear

In a room on the floor with you, that's where the love is




Lying breathless with you
Our love and lust becomes one




We're gonna find out one of these nights
What turns on your lights
One of these lost and lonely dreams
We're gonna find one that really screams
You've got desires, i've got a few of my own
I swear i'm gonna find you one of these nights
Someone to be kind to in between the dark and the light




Take me now, here as i am
Pull me close, try and understand
Desire is hunger is the fire i breathe
Love is a banquet on which we feed

Come on now try and understand
The way i feel when i'm in your hands
Take my hand, come under cover
Because the night belongs to lovers
The night belongs to lust
The night belongs to us




page 18


We're lovers and that is a fact
If we can steal time just for one day
We can be heroes for ever and ever




Was she asking for it ? Was she asking nice ?
Did she ask you for it ? Did she ask you twice ?




Beautifully mute against the wall

As i push her harder, i push her faster
She says the pain in her back just doesn't matter
Tumble her over, it doesn't take much
Tumble her over, tumble her, push
Trip her over, show her the floor
I force-hold her above the ground
Drive her fast, crash her crazy
She gasps and screams in deepest pleasure
So in touch - part of all that is

Suddenly i see her change
Exasperated growls from the pit of her stomach
The roaring now tinged with anger and anguish
Frenzied, violent movements no longer used to gratify
Now only serving a desperate exorcism of self
Only she knows why

She'll rise from the wreckage as fresh as a daisy




Confusion in her eyes that says it all
And she's clinging to the nearest passer-by, she's lost control
And she gave away the secrets of her past
And of a voice that told her when and where to act
And she said, she's lost control
She turned around and took me by the hand
She expressed herself in many different ways
Until she lost control again
She showed up all the errors and mistakes
Walked upon the edge of no escape
She screamed out kicking on the floor
I thought she'd died, she'd lost control




page 19


Avoidance of self is what it's all about
Pretence and illusion to avoid who you are
Cheap glossy surface to cover up the lie
Cheap easy answers to the what, where and why

No one really wants to get it all together
It's easier just to grab what you can
Everybody's going it hell for leather
Building little castles in the sand

Hypocrisy, delusion, lies, pretence and deceit
Think only of yourself and the world's at your feet
Well i don't believe the things you say, you defile the truth
The game you play's offensive and your life's the living proof
How about trying to think for a while ?




Making compromises, brave fronts, deceitful disguises
Turning a blind eye to lies, just to keep it all together
What do you know, what do you care ?
Smiling and socialising, endless philosophising
Surface agreements, statements of fact
What do you know, what do you care ?
Bargains and sacrifices, cheap tricks, cheaper devices
Holding the vision, losing the sight
What do you know, what do you care ?
Sometimes i wonder whether it's worth it
I wonder who can see through it
Endlessly searching solution
I wonder how much is just institution
When i'm alone like this
What do you know, what do you care ?




How many sorrows do you try to hide in a world of illusion that covers your mind ?
I'll show you something good if you open your mind
You'll discover that there's something you long to find
When your crumbling world falls apart
If you open your heart, you can make a start

Your confusion is the box in which you put answers
Your limitations are the walls of the box
Destroy the box




page 20


The true romance is the ideal oppression
That you seek, you dream of, you look for in the streets
That you find in the magazines, the cinema, the glossy shops
And the music spins you round looking for the props

The silken robe, the perfect little ring
That gives you the illusion when it doesn't mean a thing
Step outside into the street and staring from the wall
Is perfection of the happiness that makes you feel so small

Romance, do you dance ?, do you fit the right description?
Do you love me ?, do you love me ?, do you want me for your own ?
Say you love me, say you love me, say you know that i'm the one
Tell me i'm your everything, let us build a home
We can build a house for two with little ones to follow
Proof of our normality that justifies tomorrow
We can leave the world behind and make it just for two

Love don't make the world go round it holds it right in place
Keeps us thinking love's too pure to see another face
Love's another skin-trap, another social weapon
Another way to make men slaves and women at their beckon
Love's another sterile gift, another trash condition
That keeps us seeking just the one and others not existing

Woman is a holy myth, a gift of man's expression
She's sweet, defenceless, golden-eyed, a gift of god's repression
If we didn't have these codes for love, of tokens and positions
We'd find ourselves as lovers still, not tokens of possession

It's a natural, it's a romance without the power and the greed
We can fight to lift the cover if you want to sow the seed
Do you love me ?, do you ?, do you ?, don't you see they aim to smother ?
The actual possibilities of loving all the others




Deprived of any hope, taught they couldn't cope
Slaves right from the start, till death do them part
Poor little people, what a sorry pair
Had their lives stolen, but they didn't really care




Set in little pockets of isolation
There's other ways of living than in supergloo pairs




page 21


It's escapism of a feeble kind
A messed up institution for messed up minds
Holy matrimony is a blissful myth
Wholly based on tradition, wholly based on illusion
Think you love each other ?, think you're so in touch ?
But it's the institution you love so much

Is your caring so stifled, so perverted and sick ?
That it needs vows and duties so that it won't slip ?
You make your 'love' secure but what of respect ?
Does it only exist as another truth to forget ?
Your limited caring is the best you can give
Smeared with lies and traditions behind which you live




The object unsoiled is packed ready and waiting
For the moment of truth in this spiritual mating
To be owned, to be cherished, to be taken for the naming
The public are shocked by the state of society
But as for you, you're a breath of purity
Well don't give me your morals, they're filth in my eyes
You can pack them away with the rest of your lies

Your painted mask of ugly perfection
The ring on your finger, the sign of protection
Is the rape on page three, is the soldiers obsession
How well you've been taught to support your oppression
They say forget yourself, adorn with this disguise
Is your reflection all that you will recognize ?
That cruel lie will stare you in the face
Wrapped up in haze and flow of bridal gown

One husband, one wife, sordid sequences in brilliant life
Supports and props and punctuation to our flowing realities and realisations
We're talking with words that have been used before
To set out the rules of this ludricous game
And it's played very carefully, a delicate balance

Your bondages of silky robes and lace
Are the layers of precious imitation worn
What vision is left and is anyone asking ?
She's a berketex bride, briBe.




page 22


She cleans the bathroom mirror so she can line her eyes
An expert in delusion, an artist in disguise
She's not content with what she is but she does the best she can
She doesn't do it for herself, she does it for her man




I shall see through this illusion

I was driven to the wall of lies hoping to find solace
There is no real love in this paradise of the senses
All is thrown away by the wall of lies

I shall see you through this illusion




If you come across a sad soul
Don't be afraid
Take them into your arms
Love them better
Such a shame if you pass them by



All i need is a friend, someone to give me a helping hand
When i'm alone in the night, someone to squeeze me
And tell me it's alright

You know i worry such a lot and i would give all i've got
Just to have someone believe in me
Just to do that and put me back on evenly

Oh baby, baby, be my friend




Whilst walking i have often passed you
Now our walking is our oneness
You are not alone lost in your own dreams and desires
Alone we are together, together we are as one




If you pass me by
Such a shame, shame, shame




if required after all,   So Be It,

THE NOTE ON THE DOOR


You lie
I die
The horror

Behind this door now lies
The horror of it all
The horror
The horror
The horror

To you this decaying corpse
Doesn't mean a lot
Insulted by your scented poor pretence

Halted where all hope died
Froze by the horror of your acts
Compelled to stay

Body, breath, life
You took all this

Maybe, you too, soon, shall rot




Across the world
Past, present and future
It's a perilously fine line
Between suicide and homicide

Your actions will have consequences
Treat people like ****
And they start to act like ****

I might as well be dead
Then again, i could just....
Kill you instead

Before i go
Maybe....i know who goes too
Will one of them be you ?

Or is my heart too good for that ?
Pause for thought
For us all ?




For Life, Love, Peace, Justice and Truth.

Flow Back To The Heart